the fix. love just isn't enough.

elise gribbins
Oct 7, 2019
5 min read

Updated: Oct 8, 2019

some people don’t see the REAL raw reality of addiction. it’s a cold hearted monster that ruins lives, and takes the most beautiful souls. it doesn't discriminate. people think addiction is all a joke. but it’s so much more than just heartbreaking. it’s a pain that will never be voided...for a mother, your kids parent, wether you are with them or not. we all hurt. especially the addict’s own kids. my only advice is there’s nothing you can do to change it, trust me i’ve tried. love just isn’t enough.

this is probably going to be one of my hardest blogs yet. i would have never thought i would be writing this in a million years. but here i am. i've thought about how i was even going to begin to write this for weeks. this is a long post so bare with me. i'm just going to let some of it out. this is our story. in hopes it could help someone else.

my names Elise. i met the father of my son around 3 years ago. we met online and didn't know anything about each other. we fell inlove instantly, i mean within weeks. he was my go to, he was everything i wanted in a man. little did i know he had demons that he had way before i came along. i didn't know A.J. was a heavy drug user until about 5-6 months after our son was born. i had known about pills and weed, but nothing about him shooting heroin. we had a miscarriage the first year we was together which tore us both in half but we managed to stay together and comfort each other and try again.

so a few months go by and i got pregnant again. that's when i started seeing signs of his short temper and just the way he would drink or just try to fill this void he had. i always wondered why am i not good enough to make him want to stop drinking like this. i figured it was a stage he was going through and he would do better after the baby was here.

Shawn Joseph was born. (S.J.)

on May 20th, 2018 the biggest blessing in my life was born. my sweet son. i'll never forget that day. me and A.J. moved into our own home together and he paid the bills while i stayed home with our son. i was so excited to be able to stay home with my son everyday and watch him grow. A.J. was such a good dad. he worked so hard, but there was always something that he wasn't happy with. i just couldn't figure it out. i mean we had it all, our own home, a beautiful son and 2 dogs we loved so much. we had it made. then starts coming the real signs.

our bills wasn't getting paid on time, his mood swings, everything was just falling apart. being a stay at home mom not being able to help put a strain on us. so me and S.J. moved back home with my mom. and this is when things became a living hell. his house was becoming a mess, had writing from his "friends" all over the place, holes in the walls. i knew he was doing more than just what he was letting on. he eventually broke down and told me he was shooting up heroin again. i said AGAIN? what does that even mean??? he then told me he was a heavy addict before me. blew my whole mind, but now everything started making sense. i mean i've dated this man, lived with him, even had a child with him and NEVER knew. i'm not judging by any means i just couldn't believe that i never caught on.

today me and S.J. still live with my mom about a hour and a half away. A.J. was keeping him with his mom for a few days then i would get him for a week. it was hard, but i knew i had to share our son. his mother has been the greatest blessing to walk into me and my son's life. but now things have got so bad that isn't going to happen anymore. except his mom always keeps in contact with me, i called her crying today actually. i haven't been able to get ahold of A.J. and i have been worried sick. he is currently using and living in his truck. i stay up all night checking my phone dreading the phone call that he has overdosed, or anything crazy my mind can make up, it goes a million miles a minute 24/7 and never stops. what if something happens my son will grow up without a dad. he doesn't deserve that, NO CHILD does. and my son LOVES his daddy. our whole world has been flipped upside down. my son runs around screaming crying for his daddy all day long. it's absolutely heart wrenching and i don't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy. but now i hold my son extra close at nights and tell him i love him twice as much just so he knows. i tell him his daddy does love him no matter what and nothing will ever change that.

when i look at my son in his eyes my heart rips in half every single time. but i know i have to be strong for my baby and let him know that everything will be alright. i'm just hoping that our story will make someone realize that the pain a child goes through isn't worth the high. I PROMISE. a drug addict doesn't realize the pain of cause and affect of the people around you. i don't see how your child isn't enough to make better choices. i will never understand. there's only two roads you can go down. at rock bottom or in the ground.

so if you ever read this A.J. we miss you, we love you, and we will never give up on you. so when you're ready we will be right here waiting for you with open arms. there is help out there. but YOU have to want to get it we can't do it for you. how i wish i could.